I haven't written in awhile. In all honesty, I forgot about this blog. I have others sprinkled about now, but with a new chapter of my life definitely coming alive (more than just a baby and new relationship blooming) I think the post I've had on my mind lately will definitely be served justice here. I don't know what exactly came over me to warrant the thoughts on my mind lately. It could be the life-changing trip I just came back from where I walked the streets of Italy, Austria and Germany, watching as love bloomed not only in the lives' of those who lived in the beautiful towns, but in my tour group as well. Maybe it was the distance (ha!) between me and my new other. Maybe it's the fact I've been listening to mellow Beatles for an hour now. Either way, this new urge has arisen to write. And to write to my heart's content. I once mentioned a "sin" I had committed by writing so freely and uncovered--my emotions laid out for the world to see--or at least the stray stumbler to happen across these words of rambling. I believe I called it an unburial of feelings, or some variation of that. I just remember a funeral scene had popped into my mind. Either way.... Time for another emotional break, a rambling of words, a revival and break all in one.
How, just how did we meet? I can't remember the exact moment I saw it, nor can I remember how you got my name. Either way it happened. During my time of emotional breakdown, in the midst of the tears and cries of suicide, as I sat there in that room, you somehow caught my eye. I was desperate for anyone to talk to. I'd even talk to the Pirate in the room if he would stop accusing me of being a male for longer than three lines. Somehow, and I don't think either of us know, but somehow, you popped into my register. You showed yourself plain and clear with a simple "hey." And that's how it began.
It's not some romantic meeting in the dimly lit restaurant. It wasn't even an accidental bump in the grocery store. It was a chat room. And not even a classy one at that. It was that chat where you had to ignore the pervs, nevermind the pedos, and just hope Pirate would stop spamming and threatening to boot you long enough for something of some substance to be said. But it was Pirate--it wasn't likely. And thus, on that day after Christmas (or somewhere around there) we talked. And of course we both thought it was nothing more than a friendly chat, chitchat late at night because you couldn't sleep. Couldn't think. Couldn't function.
There's something relieving in talking to absolute strangers. Why parents condemn it I'll never know (theoretically). It's theurapeutic and relieving to talk to someone who you know won't judge you. You don't have to look them in the eye the next day, and if you truly wanted to, all you had to do was block the person and they would be stuck wondering about your secret you spilled, how you made it out, if you did. A simple delete would end the awkward, shut the relief and leave you open for a new one. Anyway...
We began to talk, and I soon developed somewhat of a crush. Something sparked, and I began private messaging this boy. But there's a problem: he's in Scotland.
Have you ever seen that sappy love story about a girl and boy meeting and following each other across the world just to be together? Did you ever think you could love someone from far away, without ever truly meeting them? Yeah, it's okay. I didn't either.
We talked, and I would find myself waiting for his screenname to pop up on my iPod. Yep, my ipod. Told you it wasn't classy or romantic in the least. But anyhow, I found myself waiting for this text, this message. some connection with this boy I had developed a connection with over the past few days. He replaced the crying, the loneliness, the sadness. It was like being at a Beatles concert (or what I would imagine it to be anyway). Complete zen. Calm. Peace. It was a thing that you hear preachers talking about at church and you have no clue what he was talking about. I did now. (And yes, I do believe this boy from Scotland was a godsend, someone to help me through my trial of need and hurt and longing for unjudgement when I didnt fully trust God yet myself.)
But anyway, I've struggled to write this for three weeks now and I've got another post on my mind so I'll finish this and maybe tell you about my boy another time. <3
forever yours,
Kayy
